Accessing Self: What My Printer (and a Months-Long Waiting Game) Taught Me About Protector Parts
I am someone who has part(s) who can get REALLY bent out of shape when feeling like a solution cannot be found (i.e. beliefs around helplessness and powerless). When this happens, a part will cause me to be stuck in which it is very hard to move on and this part will fixate on trying to fix the issue. I see this most show up with my printer. I rarely use it but whenever I really need it to work, it throws a fit and absolutely will not work. I then will spend about two hours trying to resolve it or contemplating going full "Office Space" on that motherf**cker. I cannot be the only one.
When a Protector Part Tries to Fix What Cannot Be Fixed
Recently, I was in a situation where I was working towards something for a substantial amount of time but needed someone else to give me the green light to proceed with what I had worked so hard on. Despite efforts to get this project to move along, I could not force the other person to address what needed to be done so that I could then complete this project. I am talking months here.
I found myself continuing to think about it multiple times a day. I knew there was a part that was continuing to nudge me to "fix" it so that I would no longer feel helpless. It really thought that I could somehow make someone else do something which is not that surprising given this part is really young and does not think like an adult. It goes something like this:
Remind me to fix it
Urge me to fix it
I can't fix it because I cannot bop people on their heads until they do what I ask
I feel helpless
Despite this part's efforts to try to fix the situation so I would not be activated by a younger part who feels helpless, the result was…you guessed it, activating my part who feels helpless.
The IFS Spiral: When Protector Parts and Younger Parts Keep Looping
Then a part of me that is a teenager would step in and get super pissed about the whole thing. I found myself on this endless carousel of remembering the situation, feeling helpless and then feeling angry only to loop back on "how can I fix it"? It was exhausting. Spiral, anyone?
Unblending and Getting Curious with a Protector Part
I decided to take a beat and sit on my couch and really hear from this one who kept reminding me and prompting me to fix it. When I was able to connect to it with genuine curiosity from my heart, rather than my head, it softened. I stopped arguing with it. I stopped asking it to stop doing it and instead said "tell me more about why this is so bothersome to you" with genuine interest and an open heart. (NOTE: This sounds easy but it often isn't as other parts start to step in, such as one that is frustrated with the part who reminds me of the issue).
What My Protector Part Was Actually Carrying
I sat down on my cozy couch and my part who reminds me to "fix it" softened. I was able to see that she had a deep need for things to be resolved. She only wants what is best for me. She acknowledged I worked so hard on this project and she was reminding me again and again so that I would take steps to resolve the issue. She did not realize I couldn't make it happen. She was genuinely worried the other person would never address the part of the project that was needed before I could take the project over the finish line. She knew I had spent years working towards this and she was concerned about ramifications if this project did not get done.
Accessing Self Energy While a Part Is Still Activated
I felt very connected to her but at the same time, connected to Self, the me who is not a part. Self knew that even if it never was completed, we had all the qualities we needed to succeed. Self had unwavering confidence. Self knew this would not deter me. I could accept if the person did not follow through AND I would be successful. Self knew we would simply find another way. As I held both knowings: the part who urgently needed it to be resolved and Self who knew in every cell of my body that all would be well, the part softened and began to let go. It began to see the confidence Self had in our system.
Holding Two Knowings: A Part's Urgency and Self's Confidence
It was this beautiful, enlightened moment of holding two knowings. To be honest, I still have more connecting to do with this protector part who reminds me and urges me to resolve issues but she trusted we would be okay even if the person did not follow through. And now she has more space to go back to fretting over the printer when it inevitably does not work.
Fast Forward: What Changed After Connecting to Self
The person did follow through a few weeks later and I succeeded in accomplishing my goal. I didn't have to bop them on the head.
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